A Simple Doughnut Run, She Said
by Author0fntent
Summary: Asuka drags Shinji to grab some doughnuts, only to get an unexpected customer service experience.


*Disclaimer: I own not a morsel of Ganaix or Khara.*

Asuka, feeling something of a craving, dragged Shinji out early one morning to grab some doughnuts for the apartment. Their trek took them a few blocks to a shop that had opened recently. The two went in, the bell above the door giving a slight ring as the door opened. Looking around inside, the only other thing that stood out about the place was how..._bare_ it seemed. Aside from the bouzouki player sitting on a stool in the corner, fretting away on his instrument.

Shinji, reluctantly, rang the small bell on the counter. Soon enough, the proprietor, a slightly portly man with a thin mustache and a wide grin, rose up from behind the counter.

Proprietor: "Eeyeeeeeessssssss?"

His sudden appearance startled Shinji and Asuka, making them jump.

Asuka: "_SCHEISSE!_ You trying to give me a heart attack?"

Proprietor: "_No_, but eating two dozen of my doughnuts in one sitting sure will."

Shinji [face-palming and muttering]: "Oh, no." _Never, EVER try to out-sarcasm Asuka..._

Asuka [struggling to control herself]: "Normally, I'd have a comeback that'd eviscerate you, but I'm here on business. We want some doughnuts."

Proprietor: "Certainly, miss. What would you like?"

Asuka: "You got any Bavarian cream-filled?"

Proprietor: "Oh, I'm afraid we're fresh out of Bavarian cream-filled, miss."

Asuka [slightly disappointed]: "Huh. How are you on bear claws?"

Proprietor: "I'm afraid we never have them at the end of the week, miss, we make them fresh on Monday."

Asuka: "*Hhhhh* No matter. Well, make that an order of cinnamon rolls, if you please."

Proprietor: "Weeellll...The ingredients have been on order, miss, for two weeks. Actually expecting it this morning."

Asuka [grumbling]: "Just not my day is it...? Aah, apple fritters?"

Proprietor: "Sorry, miss."

Shinji [looking our way]: "I don't know about you, but I'm starting to sense a pattern here..."

Asuka: "Crullers?"

Proprietor: "Normally, miss, yes. Today the van broke down."

Asuka: "I see. Jelly doughnuts?"

Proprietor: "Sorry."

Asuka: "_Kreppel? Ponchik?_"

Proprietor: "No."

Asuka: "Any Bolivian _buñuelos_, by any chance?"

Proprietor: "No."

Asuka: "_Ngàuhleisōu?_"

Proprietor: "No."

Asuka: "_Gbofloto?_"

Proprietor: "No."

Asuka: "_Loukoumades?_"

Proprietor: "No."

Asuka: "French _beignets_?"

Proprietor: "No."

Asuka: "Maple bars?"

Proprietor: "Weeelll...No."

Asuka: "_Berliners?_"

Proprietor: "No."

Asuka: "Indonesian _donat kentang_?"

Proprietor: "No."

Asuka: "_Piispanmunkki, punchulas, bofrots, svingis, malasadas, fánks, gulgulas, huevitos chilenos, smoutebollen, zooloobiyas?_"

Proprietor: "No."

Asuka: "_Struffoli_, perhaps?"

Proprietor: "Ah! We do have _struffoli_ indeed, miss."

Shinji [surprised, and a bit relieved]: "You do?"

Asuka: "Perfect!"

Proprietor: "Yes indeed. They're...a bit stale, though."

Asuka: "Don't care, a doughnut's a doughnut."

Proprietor: "Well...they're very stale, actually, miss."

Asuka: "Again, don't care. Go fetch those fluffy Italian delights!"

Proprietor: "I must insist, they're a bit more stale than you'll like them, miss."

Asuka [patience clearly wearing thin]: "I DON'T CARE HOW STALE THEY ARE. GET 'EM RIGHT HERE, PRONTO."

The proprietor then looked below the counter, only to come back up, shaking his head.

Proprietor: "Hmmm..."

Asuka: "What now?!"

Proprietor: "The dog's eaten them."

Asuka: "A _dog_ ate your doughnuts?"

Proprietor: "More digestible than homework, certainly."

An awkward pause then emerged, before Asuka spoke again.

Asuka: "Old-fashioned?"

Proprietor: "No."

Asuka: "_Oliebollen?_"

Proprietor: "No."

Asuka: "_Pączki?_"

Proprietor: "No."

Asuka: "_Quesitos?_"

Proprietor: "No."

Asuka: "Fillipino _pinakufus?_"

Proprietor: "No, miss."

Asuka [one eyebrow raised]: "You..._do_ have doughnuts here, don't you?"

Proprietor: "_Of course_. It _is_ a doughnut shop, after all. We do have-"

Asuka [holding a hand up]: "Uh-uh, don't tell me. I wanna guess."

Proprietor: "Be my guest."

Asuka: "Hmmm..._Kakyoin?_"

Proprietor: "Eeeyeeeessss?"

Asuka: "Fine, we'll take some of those."

Proprietor: "Oh, I thought you were talking to me. Mister Kakyoin is my name, after all."

Another awkward pause emerged as Asuka and Shinji stared at the proprietor wide-eyed. Asuka then started asking again.

Asuka: "_Sufganiyah?_"

Proprietor: "Not as such."

Asuka: "_Pignolatti?_"

Proprietor: "No."

Asuka: "_Belyashi?_"

Proprietor: "No"

Asuka: "Cake doughnuts?"

Proprietor: "No."

Asuka: "_Koeksisters?_"

Proprietor: "No."

Asuka: "Swedish _klenät?_"

Proprietor: "No."

Asuka: "Ukrainian _pampushkies?_"

Proprietor: "No."

Asuka: "Yugoslavian _prusurates?_"

Proprietor: "Not today, miss, no."

Again came another awkward pause, until Asuka spoke up again.

Asuka: "All right, how about your basic glazed?"

Proprietor: "Well, we don't get much call for it around here, miss."

Asuka [bewildered]: "Not much ca-it's the single most popular doughnut in the world!"

Proprietor: "Not around here, I'm afraid."

Asuka [through her teeth] "And just what IS the most popular doughnut around here?"

Proprietor [beaming]: "Cider doughnuts, miss."

Asuka: "Is it now?"

Proprietor: "Oh yeeesss, it's staggeringly popular in these parts."

Asuka: "_Is_ it?"

Proprietor: "It's our number one best seller, miss."

Asuka: "I see...Cider doughnuts, really?"

Proprietor: "Yes, indeed."

Asuka [frustrated]: "All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?'" _She asked, expecting the answer 'no'._

Proprietor: "I'll have a look, miss...nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnooooo."

Asuka, a getting pissed by the minute glare on her face, looked around the shop again before facing the proprietor again.

Asuka: "Not much of a doughnut shop, is it?"

Proprietor: "Finest in the Tokyo-3 metropolitan area!"

Asuka: "And WHY is that?"

Proprietor: "Well, we're quite a clean establishment, as you can see."

Asuka: "Yeah, you're certainly CLEANed out of doughnuts."

Proprietor: "You haven't asked me about _chapssals_."

Asuka [through her teeth]: "Is. It. Worth it?"

Proprietor [coyly]: "_Maybe_."

Asuka: "*SIGH* Have you-WILL YOU STOP PLAYING THAT F***ING BOUZOUKI ALREADY!"

The greatly-startled bouzouki player immediately stopped. Asuka then turned back to the proprietor, ignoring Shinji's look of grave concern.

Asuka [taking a breath]: "Have you got any _chapssals?_"

Proprietor: "No."

Asuka [face-palming]: "Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. I was still dumb enough to ask in the first place...Tell me..."

Proprietor: "Eeeeyyyeeessss?"

Asuka: "Do you even HAVE, in fact, ANY doughnuts here at all?"

Proprietor: "YES, miss."

Asuka: "Really?"

Proprietor: "...No."

Asuka: "You don't."

Proprietor: "No, miss. Not a morsel. I was deliberately wasting your time."

Those turned out to be the proprietor's last words before Asuka sucker-punched him in the face, knocking him out. She then stormed out of the shop, a wary Shinji in tow, already making multiple apologies to the now-unconscious proprietor as he left. As the two continued on to find a doughnut shop that actually had doughnuts, Asuka only said one thing:

"What a senseless waste of human life."

**END.**

****Author's Note(s)**  
****My little tribute to the late, great comedian and Monty Python co-founder Terry Jones, utilizing one of their more classic skits meshed with a bit of the character actor Frank Nelson (as the proprietor) and some of the lyrics to "Weird Al" Yankovic's "Albuquerque".**


End file.
